How Experiences Beyond Our Consciousness Shape Us: Impact of Early Childhood Adversity

What do you remember about when you were very little, like 3 years old or younger? For most of us, memories of early childhood are beyond the reach of our conscious mind. And yet, science suggests that what happened during those years can have profound and lasting effects on our mental and physical health.^1,2 Even while knowing the significance of early childhood, it remains curious what we can do about the experiences that we do not consciously recall. What might it look like to live with early adversity you cannot quite describe?

Like most people, Daniel does not remember much about his early years. When he first sought psychotherapy, he had long struggled with low mood, anxiety about pleasing others, and a deep sense of feeling unimportant. He does not have many memories of his childhood, let alone early years, as if his mind has blocked them out. Among the few memories he has of his early years, he remembers being punished if he made any noises and “bothered” his parents. He is not sure exactly how he felt then, but he recalls being in his room alone without toys or books, unable to get out. The rest of his childhood was marked with frequent instability, with his parents separating and his family moving around.

As a teenager, Daniel appeared well adjusted, but inside he felt aimless and compelled to appease others and “fit in.” Over time, such confusion and pressure eventually caught up to him as depression, anxiety, and overdrinking. His struggles took a toll in his personal and professional life, and at times threatened his health and safety. He wasn’t sure what was wrong but felt as if he lived in a daze. After some life altering events, he mustered up all the strength and courage he had to turn his life around and pursue a productive career. Fortunately, after years of hard work, he eventually rebuilt his life and found a career he enjoys and a partner he loves. Daniel now has everything he could have only dreamed of as a child but still can’t shake the feelings of being “unimportant”.

Then one day, Daniel becomes a father and has a little boy himself. He feels overwhelming joy and love; at the same time, part of him feels confused and grieved. Sometimes, he feels as if he is seeing a reflection of himself in his little boy. Daniel notices that his little boy has endless needs, and when those needs are not immediately met, he cries hard and loudly. The boy often makes a mess and “inconveniences” others, but no one gets angry or punishes him. Rather, adults adore the boy, readily meet his needs and wants, and take interest in his interests. This surprises, relieves, and saddens Daniel all at once. He still does not remember his early childhood but starts to get a glimpse of what may have been lost to him. Parenthood brings him both relief and grief, sorrow and joy, and healing and anger. While these emotions are intense and challenging at times, this is an important step toward understanding and addressing his lifelong pains.

While we may never consciously remember our early childhood, several aspects of our current mind and body, such as sense of self,^3–5 attachment patterns,^6,7 and stress response,^8–10 may reflect the emotional climate we once lived in. As it did for Daniel, that early pain can surface again through our most intimate experiences: becoming a caregiver of another vulnerable being,^11,12 participating in therapy,^13,14 or opening ourselves to deep emotional connection.^15,16 For many, these moments bring grief, fear, and even aversion, as intimacy may lead us to be in contact with some of our most sensitive parts. Understandably, some find this unbearable and pull away.

Yet the very closeness that stirs this pain also presents an opportunity for us to embrace our vulnerability differently than how it was once treated. Avoiding intimacy and associated discomfort may only prolong the suffering, as this will keep us from the very things we most need and want. We are not responsible for causing this pain, but we still must be the one to address it.¹⁷ So, it is important to approach, slowly and in safety, with support of trusted people and/or licensed mental health providers, and relearn what it means to be held, loved, and known.

Warmly,

Dr. Y

**The people in these examples are not single, identifiable individuals. Some are composites, woven together from patterns I have seen across many individuals and families, and others are shared with the explicit consent of the person described. In every case, identifying details have been changed, and no example points to any one person.

References

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2.         Shonkoff JP, Slopen N, Williams DR. Early childhood adversity, toxic stress, and the impacts of racism on the foundations of health. Annu Rev Public Health. 2021;42(1):115-134.

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11.      Van Ijzendoorn MH. Adult attachment representations, parental responsiveness, and infant attachment: a meta-analysis on the predictive validity of the Adult Attachment Interview. Psychol Bull. 1995;117(3):387.

12.      Fraiberg S, Adelson E, Shapiro V. Ghosts in the nursery: A psychoanalytic approach to the problems of impaired infant–mother relationships 1. In: Parent-Infant Psychodynamics. Routledge; 2018:87-117.

13.      Singh N. A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. By John Bowlby. London: Routledge. 1988. 180 pp.£ 8.95 (pb). The British Journal of Psychiatry. 1988;153(5):721.

14.      Mallinckrodt B. The psychotherapy relationship as attachment: Evidence and implications. J Soc Pers Relat. 2010;27(2):262-270.

15.      Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Publications; 2010.

16.      Hazan C, Shaver P. Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. In: Interpersonal Development. Routledge; 2017:283-296.

17.      Rathus JH, Miller AL. DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents. Guilford Publications; 2014.